Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Dachshund Tales

Ever had to make up bedtime stories for your children? Castles, superheroes, sinister villians, aliens, princesses, and heroic acts?

What about for your dog? Ever made up a bed time story for them?

My husband and I usually have a verbal battle over who loves Oscar the most. And sometimes the facts are stretched. Such as "Well I brought Oscar home" or "You didn't want Oscar you called him a cat", etc... etc... Each of us believing Oscar truly understands what we are saying as we battle for his preference.

So one night I was enjoying a bed time story with Oscar that stretched into the absurd. Brian was dying laughing... Oscar remained stoic enjoying himself as I rubbed his back... and I gave him a bedtime story on the Origins of the Dachshunds.

(Note- This is a story tale which contains no facts, lots of exaggeration, and some violence).

The Origins of Dachshunds

Long time ago, vicious and stealthy wolves ruled the land of the north. These wolves were the direct descendents of todays breed of dachshunds. Through mutal trust and partnership dachshunds united with humans who would trade the dachshunds hunting skills for cooked meat and human adoration. Because of this union the men of the north became strong and powerful and even took over the Roman Empire. Even the Roman elephant armies were no match against the dachshunds. Dachshunds have a keen ability to jump really high and rip out a human's jugular vein. Regarding elephants I'm sure they merely jumped into an elephants chest cavity and tore out it's heart with their teeth. As reward for their bravery, the Gauls later used the Roman Coliseum as a royal dog house, often feeding the dachshunds fresh batches of Christians.

Later Dachshunds were also brought to the new world where they were used to destroy the enemies of the English and Spanish. Along with the dachshunds the Europeans brought horses for transportational purposes. Dachshunds were too great and powerful to be subjected to being a lowly animal just necessary for transportation, thus they needed horses. Because lets be honest, it would be an insult for a man to ride a dachshund when he could ride an ass or a horse instead. Later after the eastern seaboard was tamed, dachshunds with their killer instinct went west. However, because of the vast landscape and how spread out they were, many of them lacked the necessary amount of mates. Dachshunds were so masculine they needed several mating companions/opportunities. As a result of their need, dachshunds in desperation later mated with horses. Their offspring were bison. Bison have the strength and power of a dacshund (which is why you never ride a buffalo), but the stupidity of a horse (thus they eat grass and lounge around all day).

Recently there was a small zombie outbreak in the U.S. But because it happened near a Dachshund Animal shelter the zombies were torn into shreds within minutes by the powerful teeth and instinctive nature of the dachshunds. However, should another zombie outbreak happen, the CDC has issued that a humans best defense against the mutated and diseased beings is a dachshund.

And that is how the world was and is shaped by dachshunds. The End. Good night Oscar.

No comments:

Post a Comment